[fyeg_gen-l] A letter from T. Jones of Monty Python on Iraq policy

Sascha Bachmann sascha at netzmomente.de
Tue Mar 11 13:53:13 CET 2003

A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones of Monty Python.

Letter to the Observer Sunday January 26, 2003 The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's 
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really 
pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me qu 
eer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but 
so f ar I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's 
got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, 
don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, 
in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that 
if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? 
But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that theyneed evidence of 
a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless 
red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike 
and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible 
things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm 
the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I 
reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a 
little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run 
out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's 
face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only 
way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to 
stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to 
bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and 
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in 
peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush 
makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraqis that

Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - 
even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification 
for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 
'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because 
how can you ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single 
terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's 
committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the 
ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, 
being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush 
needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist?

Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim 
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to 
fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush 
to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are  just the tip of 
the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't 
like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be 
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going 
too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of 
the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of 
patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good 
enough for me.

I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in 
the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic 
outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them 
over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to 
kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to 
what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.


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